Five Hilarious Chicago Veterinarian Jokes (Safe For Work)
Five Hilarious Chicago Veterinarian Jokes
Finding a quality veterinarian can be a daunting task. It’s especially difficult when Fido or Fluffy are in need of urgent medical care. That’s why ChicagoSmarts suggests you find a vet long before you actually need one.
For the name of a good Chicago veterinarian we recommend asking friends, family, neighbors, and coworkers. If they can’t help you try asking humane societies, pet groomers, and kennels. Those working with animals on a regular basis generally know the best places to take your pets.
Once you have a viable candidate, schedule a time to visit their clinic. During your tour make sure their facility is clean and comfortable. You’ll also want to gage the overall mood of the staff and interview the vet—make sure they’re the type of professional you want taking care of your beloved pet.
Selecting a vet can be very stressful, arduous, and time consuming. To help you get through it, we’ve compiled five jokes involving Chicago veterinarians. Hopefully, these jokes will make you laugh before the vet bill makes you cry.
The Vet Bill
A man brings his dog into a South Loop animal hospital. The dog looks dead but the veterinarian says he’s just passed out and will wake up in a few minutes. The man refuses to believe the doctor and demands the vet do something.
After calming the man down, the vet leaves the room and returns with a cat. The vet sets the kitty down next to the passed out dog. The cat walks around the unconscious pup a few times, sniffs him all over, and then meows.
“See, the cat thinks your dog fainted too,” proclaims the vet.
The man doesn’t believe the cat. He continues to berate the Chicago veterinarian and demands another opinion.
Not wanting to argue with the distraught pet owner, the vet agrees to get a third opinion. After ducking out for a few minutes, the veterinarian returns with a Labrador retriever. The Labrador sniffs, licks, paws, and even lies down next to the passed out dog. A few moments later, the Labrador barks at the vet.
“The Labrador agrees with the cat. Your dog has passed out,” says the vet.
With the man on the verge of blowing his top, the vet leaves the room to take the Labrador retriever back to his kennel. Right after the vet comes back the man’s passed out dog wakes, jumps to his feet, and runs into the reception area.
“I told you, he was just passed out. Now that will be $850,” explains the vet.
“What do you mean $850? You didn’t do anything!” shouts the man.
“I know, my exam is only $50 but it’s $800 for the cat scan and lab tests.”
Vet Visits Doctor
Feeling under the weather, a vet from the Gold Coast-area of Chicago decides to see her doctor.
Before the examination starts, the vet’s doctor asks her a long series of questions about a myriad of health related topics. After about ten minutes of answering the doctor’s inquires, the vet gets very annoyed.
“Hey, enough with the questions! I’m a Chicago veterinarian and I can tell what’s wrong with my patients just by looking at them. I don’t need to ask them any questions. What can’t you do the same thing?”
A wry smile appears on the doctor’s face. She calmly writes a prescription and then hands it to the exasperated vet.
“Here, try this,” says the doctor. “Of course if that doesn’t work we’ll have to put you down.”
A Dog’s Best Friend
A woman rushes into a Lincoln Park vet’s office in a panic. After calming her down, the vet asks the woman what’s wrong.
“My husband and my dog have become inseparable. They do everything together. I’m getting worried.”
“Ma’am, if your husband thinks he’s a dog you should see a psychiatrist not a Chicago dog and cat clinic,” explains the doctor.
“You don’t understand,” explains the woman. “My husband doesn’t think he’s a dog my dog thinks he’s a man. They do everything together. They work together. They eat together. They go to the bathroom together. Heck, they even go to bed at the same time.”
“Ma’am, that’s amazing,” says the astounded vet. “You’re dog must be incredibly smart.”
“That’s the problem,” cries the woman. “My dog is too smart. Unlike my husband, my dog can tell when I’m lying about having a headache.”
Sick Puppy
Early one morning a Chicago veterinarian is called upon to examine a pooch that was having trouble eating and keeping food down. The dog was owned by a young bickering couple who said they had left the dog alone the night before.
The vet x-rayed the animal and discovered something large inside his stomach. Since the dog would be unable to “pass” the object, the vet induced vomiting. After a serious hurling session, the dog finally puked up the offending obstruction. Curious, the vet picked the black and silver piece of cloth off the floor. After examining it for a moment the vet realized it was a pair of panties adorned with a White Sox logo.
The vet placed the article of clothing in a bag and then went out to tell the squabbling couple the good news—their dog was okay. Yet, as soon as the vet showed the wife the panties she slapped her husband, screamed that she wanted a divorce, and stormed out of the Chicago veterinary hospital.
“I take it the underwear your dog swallowed doesn’t belong to your wife?” asked the shocked vet.
“Yeah, but that’s not why she’s mad. She’s a Cubs fan.”
Cats On The Roof
After a hard day at work a cat veterinarian returns to his home in Archer Heights. His lovely wife is waiting for him with a stiff martini and a candle-lit dinner. After a very nice meal, the vet and his wife retire to their bedroom.
About 15 minutes later the phone rings.
“Hello?” snaps the vet.
“Is this the home of Chicago’s best cat veterinarian?” asks a distressed old lady over the phone.
“It is. Do you have an emergency, ma’am?”
“I believe so,” uttered the old lady. “There’s a large bunch of cats on my roof and they are making a tremendous noise. They are so loud that I can’t fall asleep. Is there anything I can do to get them to stop?”
Without missing a beat the vet says, “Of course there is. Stick your head out the window and yell to the cats that they’re wanted on the phone.”
“Really,” questions the old lady. “That will stop them from fooling around?”
“It should,” snaps the vet. “It stopped me.”